Being Alone & Being a Dork

Yeah I know, that makes no sense....but I've got 2 things on my mind & I didn't feel like making 2 different posts. #1 - I'm not good at being alone. I don't like going out to eat alone. I don't like going to parties alone. I don't like going to Exiles alone. It's not often that I even like being home alone. I guess I'm either just not good company for myself....I don't know how to entertain myself.....or I'm so damned needy that I can't cope with being by myself. I feel....lonely. Like no one really wants to be with me. Even surrounded by people....I'm alone. Unless there are people I know, that I can talk to.....I just stand/sit there doing nothing. At Exiles, before the program & during the break....I'll just be reading a book....sometimes glancing around the room...hoping someone would notice me and talk to me.....Most times, I'm lousy at just starting conversations with total strangers. I'm not sure what to say. I'm shy. I'm terrified of rejection. Onto topic #2 - Sometimes, I seem to have the personality of a shy, teenage boy who's hormones are running amok. First of all, there's boobs....I seem to lose all train of thought when I see cleavage, or even worse, naked breasts. I'm just mesmerized.....I could stare for hours....imagining lying my head on them, stroking them, tasting them....you get the point. I have that annoying male habit of looking at a woman's chest while I'm talking to her. I do look her in the eye, just not all the time. My eyes track up, then down for a while, then back up.....to show I'm paying attention to what she's saying..... I'm even worse with women that I'm attracted to....especially the ones I do not know very well. I just never know what to do, what to say, how to act. 1/2 the time, I think I'm being flirtatious, the other 1/2 I think I'm being an over-bearing clueless idiot. Honestly, it's been very rare that a woman will tell me that I've crossed the line.....but do they refrain from saying anything because everything is OK, or because they are just too polite to call me on my behaviour? Actually, now that I think about it....sometimes they'll avoid me, or be distant with me.....I guess that's as good a clue as any, that I've fucked something up. If a woman I'm interested in.....shows that she's interested in me....I seem to be ok....then I don't feel as worried about crossing some line.....I feel that I am flirting, not just being a panting drooling ding-bat. But to be honest, sometimes I have to be straight up TOLD if a woman is into me. Subtlety usually doesn't work. I mean.....everyone flirts and jokes around, and is affectionate to 1 extent or another. How is a person to know when flirting and all that is just playing and when it is an indication of something more serious? I never do....and more often than not, I make a complete fool of myself....chasing after someone who is just being a natural flirt & naturally affectionate....and has NO interest in me whatsoever..... I'm basically a shy, scared girl. I love flirting, I love affection, I love women.....but I'm also deeply and irrevocably terrified of being rejected and getting hurt.