Good & Bad

Good news - The company that laid Rik off on July 1, 2004, and then contracted him in November 2004, has just offered him a permanent position. Bad news - The position is the same job he does now, but under a different department, which has a smaller budget....which means, he's making less than he was when they laid him off in the 1st place, and substantially less than he is making right now as a contractor. What this means for us is some serious adjustment to our spending habits.....we're one of those couples who is really good at increasing their expenses to match their income..... We've always gone up, never down....so this will take some work.... Good news - He can still keep working from home. Bad news - No one else is supposed to know that he's not working out of the Berkeley office. Good news - Him being at home means he's rarely driving the SUV, which means we're not putting $60+ a week into his tank.

I think

I should put this on my profiles somewhere.... Males - wearing a dress & getting fucked up the ass with a strap on does not make you a female... (in reply to all the guys who, when I tell them I am only interested in women, offer the above)

Answer to Question 2 from 4/9/05

I guess the best way I can sum up my thoughts is to say.... How would my life be different if I was single? I won't say never married, because that would be changing too many things....my financial life, my professional life, my education.....so many things, good things that are a part of my life....are a direct result of my meeting Rik & marrying him. I focused on my career in the 1st part of my answer to this question a few days ago, so now I'll just try to focus on my personal life....mostly in a series of more questions.....rhetorical ones at best. Would I have a girlfriend if I wasn't married? Would I have some sort of Leather Family if I wasn't married? (I look at the little bits I see of 3 fairly prominent Leather Families in the Bay Area....and I envy the love, the closeness, the support, the commonality they all share.....) That leads me into my next question....would my life be more S/m oriented.....more 24/7, and less 'weekend warrior'? I guess some would ask....why don't I have those things in my life now.....and simply....I respect my husband & his feelings too much. When we met....I was just starting my exploration of BDSM.....and as a semi-masochistic bottom at that. When we got married, I was more into BDSM (went to BAGG every week or so), but mostly as a bottom oriented switch. It wasn't the big important thing in my life the way it is now. Rik tried things with me for about a year. Went to some classes, read some books, bottomed, topped....and just plain decided that none of it was for him.... As the years went by, I got more & more into BDSM, I switched from BAGG to semi-private parties, and from staying home alot to going to munches at least once a week. Maybe about 4 years ago, I asked him how he felt about everything.....he told me that if he had met me 'now', when I was 'this' involved in BDSM, he would not have gotten involved with me....but because he had been with me from the beginning, that it was easier for him to deal with.....but he still has trouble (and reminds me on rare occasions...) that going into it all, he thought I was a bottom..... I don't exactly know why that matters....unless he harbored some hidden thoughts that maybe I'd become more submissive & docile & be a 'good wife'......I don't know.....at this point, I'm just making up words that might not even (ever) be in his head. But back to my respecting his feelings.....I know he would be uncomfortable with a constant BDSM presence in our home....meaning my having a slave here, or a house-boy/girl.....I know he would be unhappy if I spent even more time from home than I already do. 1 of my 'rules' is that he gets at least 1/2 of my free time.....that he comes 1st in my life (besides myself). Sometimes.....I resent that. Sometimes I just want to know what it would be like to not have to worry about what someone else wants, thinks, or feels....I just want to do what I want to do. I wish I would never again have to see the look of revulsion & disgust when a lesbian finds out that I'm married. I wish I wouldn't be shunned for being what I am. I wish I wouldn't be insulted for being what I am. I wish......that I didn't care.....and that it didn't matter.....any of this....all of this. I have it all.....financial stability, decent job, good education, loving husband, devoted slave (who lives elsewhere), a few good friends.....and yet.....it's not enough......

What am I Looking for?

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Not Quite What I meant

I was mostly speaking in a personal way. Who do I go to.... For instance, one of the things I've seen in advice columns....Guy writes in, says he has several female friends, but not 1 of them wants to be more than a friend....and he's wondering what he's doing wrong, why he can get female friends, but not romantic partners. The columnist usually responds with 'ask your friends to give you an honest evaluation....ask them how you can improve yourself and make yourself more interesting (appealing) to your target audience'.... I saw a variation of that a few days ago (male sub with female dominant friends, looking for a dom/sub relationship), and it got me to thinking....what do you do when you do want an honest evaluation, and your friends just tell you nice things, things they think you want to hear....things that won't hurt you, but also things that won't help you change or grow. I mean, if I'm all that and a bag of chips....why can't I find the relationship(s) I want?

Speak-Woof, Bark, Bow-wow

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

15% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Things I Probably Don't See

I'm desperate? clingy? over-bearing? pushy? self-centered... shy, scared, remote, depressed... lonely

Who

do you go to when all you want is honesty, and all you get is what people think you want to hear?

Concert-Meme

* Reply to this message telling me which of these 25 artists you have also seen. * Take the ones from my list that you have seen, and post them in your own LJ. * Add more until you have 25. My 1st Concert ever was Alabama, and the 2nd was either Diana Ross or Donna Summer.....the rest as seen below 3. Bon Jovi 4. Cindarella 5. Motley Crue 6. AC/DC 7. Metallica 8. Kingdom Come 9. Van Halen 10. Iron Maiden 11. Guns & Roses 12. Nine Inch Nails 13. Poison 14. Marilyn Manson 15. David Bowie 16. "Weird" Al Yankovic 17. Faster Pussycat 18. Queensryche 19. Tesla 20. Def Leppard 21. Aerosmith 22. Pink Floyd 23. Ozzy Osbourne 24. White Snake 25. Blue Man Group

Answer Part 1 to Questions #2

The reason I said 'besides money', is that pretty much the stock answer is money....many people seem to think that financial security, or excess of that would make their own personal world perfect. I am pretty much financially secure....and yet as the months & years go by....I keep looking at my life and wishing it was something else. I guess the 2 areas my life can been divided into are personal (relationships with friends, family & lovers) and professional (education and career). For now, I'll try to keep this post geared towards what I'd like my professional life to be like. 1. Ideally, I'd like to go to San Francisco State University and work my way through their Human Sexuality degree programs (BA then MA) http://hmsx.sfsu.edu/ Once I finish with all that, I'd like to either have some sort of career as a sex educator (maybe even therapist....I used to want that years ago, and I keep going back & forth on the idea) or I want to open my bookstore. "The Forbidden Word" 1/2 the store would be any & all types of erotic fiction (romances, horror, sci-fi/fantasy, mysteries, 1-hand reading), the other 1/2 would be all non-fiction.....how-to, why, self-help, whatever.....and of course I would have a 'back room' with toys & videos. I'd really like to have at least 25% of my stock to come from local vendors, authors, toy-makers & the like. I'd also like to have classes/seminars on a regular basis, again, given by local educators. 2. Barring all that.....I am good at what I do, and I do like it. What I don't like is my commute & the type of place that I work for. I want to work for a place where queers, freaks & the like are welcome and judged by their level of competence.....not by what they look like or how they lead their lives outside of work. I want to work for a place where diversity is more than a buzz word (usually meaning women & racial minorities). I want to work for a place that actually values its' employees as people, and doesn't just look at them and say "How can I get more work for less $$$ out of these people?" What keeps me from accomplishing #1 - the stock answer....money. If I go back to school, I want to go full-time, and not work. I got my 1st degree in 5 years, working 24-40 hours a week the whole time, on top of taking at least 9 course units every quarter. I don't want to do that again. I want to maintain my social life and outside activities too....and sleep....I like sleeping at least 6 hours a night. :) What keeps me from accomplishing #2 - Mostly...lack of knowledge.....are there companies that fit my 'ideal'? Or am I just being overly Pollyanna-ish? I can say, it is better than 65% likely that I'll start looking for a new job towards the end of June. "Why wait?" you may ask.....well, simply put, I just don't have the time to look now. If I look for a new job, my focus will be Oakland to San Jose, and the peninsula....maybe SF too providing it's BARTable....and since I currently work in Concord.....getting to & from interviews and still work part of the day.....it's really not possible.....and taking time off isn't feasible, as I am a really bad liar (You can only be sick & have appointments so often)..... What I'm hoping to manage is to submit resumes at the end of June-beginning of July, and have interviews during my vacation, which is in the middle of July. Once I get my thoughts organized as to how I'd like my personal life to be....I'll make another post. :)

But do I melt in your mouth or in your hand?

I am Chocolate Flavoured. I am sweet and a little bit naughty. I am one of the few clinically proven aphrodisiacs. Sometimes I can seem a little hard, but show warmth and I soon melt. What Flavour Are You?

Question #2

Besides money.... What is keeping you from living the life that you truely want to lead? I'll answer later once I have my answer in a more coherant form.

Question #1 - Somewhat Rhetorical/Facecious

Do bottoms receive more sexual oriented play than tops? Addendum, if I bottomed more, would I have more sex?

SM Flea-Today

942 Mission St. San Francisco For those that have asked.... Yeah I'm going. I'm going to BART in. Less hassle that way, and I get a little exercise too. :) Call me if you want to.

Mini-Rant

Just because someone is bent over & you think their ass is a target that is screaming HIT ME NOW!!!.....does not give you the right to hit it, or to make threats about hitting it. How to really put the kibosh on something nice.... I'm engaging in a lovely nipple nibbling session with a wonderful vivacious woman, I'm on my knees, bent over her.... and some loud mouth has to repeatedly make comments about what a tempting target I am....to the point where Vicki steps in front of my butt and firmly tells the woman that I am not a willing target, and she would not appreciate my reaction if she chose to be unwise enough to actually hit me..... Then Vicki steps away and the woman goes 'but it's so tempting....' To me, what makes it worse....is this is someone who's fairly involved in the South Bay scene (Odyssey), and has been around long enough to just plain know better. My friends, I don't mind it from. New people, I'll tolerate it because they probably just haven't learned better (but they will when I'm done). People I barely know, or plain don't like.....and who have been around a while.....UH-UH.

True Enough

You Are A Cypress Tree

You are strong, adaptable, and striving to be content. You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it. A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times. You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed. A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times.

What is Your Celtic Horoscope?

My Contributions to menu tonight

From Trader Joes - Raspberry-Lemon Torte And from Valia's Kitchen (thereby proving I can cook) 40 Deviled Egg 1/2's Ingredients - Lots of eggs 1 cup Smart Balance Mayo (low fat stuff) 1/2 cup Sierra Nevada Porter & Brown Spice Mustard 1 tsp Garlic powder 1/2 tsp Lowrey's Season Salt 1/4 tsp yellow curry powder paprika sprinked on top of them all

How Odd

I'm not a huge masochist....yet more then a few times this month, my breasts have been covered with bruises.....from certain lovely ladies & their over-enthusiastic nibbling.... Decisions - keep getting the attention & 'suffer' the biting.....or possibly lose out on the attention.....

What I want

It's has been a long, grueling, stressfull 3 weeks at work. I come home everyday, just drained. Yesterday around 2 PM, I started feeling really nausueous, to the point where even drinking water made me want to vomit.....that finally calmed down towards 9PM...but for the better part of today, I still felt a bit queasy.... What I'd love to have this weekend (but probably won't because I'm not very good at asking for things) 1. A neck-shoulder-back massage with no strings or expectations attached. 2. To be catered to, coddled & served. 3. To be cuddled, a lot, by people I care about. 4. To be told how great I am, and know that the person saying it really means it. 5. Another nipple & spray candy smorgasbord. What I'll probably get this weekend.... 1. Housework 2. Putting books away 3. Laundry 4. A nice party, how nice depends on who's there & what happens 5. Maybe a trip to the SM Flea

You don't say

Valia Derekin A very special Leo Valia Derekin is one of the wisest, smartest, best looking people on the planet. Or so at least she would like to think. It's not that Valia is vain - more that she is terribly susceptible to flattery. All Leos suffer from this little weakness. That's because, despite what astrologers are always saying about Leos and their confidence, secretly, deep down, they are a little unsure of themselves. This explains Valia's tendency to be strongly outspoken and extrovert one moment and quietly anxious the next. Her close friends know all about her tendency towards self doubt. They know what a warm, genuine and generous character she can be, but they also know about her natural sensitivity. Valia's acquaintances, however, have no such insight. They feel sure that in Valia, they are dealing with a dynamic, energetic and decisive person who is it would be most unwise to cross. Valia is fiery and feisty - she gives the impression of being someone who knows it all. As a matter of fact, whilst she does not know it 'all', she does know quite a lot of it. Valia is well read, well researched and always well presented. she cuts a dash, she has 'presence.' Heads turn when she enters the room. Valia Derekin is aware of the impression she makes but not entirely comfortable with it. She knows that people are responding to her big pretence, not her true personality. That's why she so deeply treasures the company of loved ones who are strong enough to see through her façade and respect her for the mere mortal that she actually is. http://pisces.bubble.com/webstars/friend/friendForm.cfm

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth......

(stolen from venusrising) Ask me 4 questions. Any 4, no matter how personal, private or random. I have to answer them honestly. I have to answer them all. In turn, you post this message in your own journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you.