Answer to Question 2 from 4/9/05

I guess the best way I can sum up my thoughts is to say.... How would my life be different if I was single? I won't say never married, because that would be changing too many things....my financial life, my professional life, my education.....so many things, good things that are a part of my life....are a direct result of my meeting Rik & marrying him. I focused on my career in the 1st part of my answer to this question a few days ago, so now I'll just try to focus on my personal life....mostly in a series of more questions.....rhetorical ones at best. Would I have a girlfriend if I wasn't married? Would I have some sort of Leather Family if I wasn't married? (I look at the little bits I see of 3 fairly prominent Leather Families in the Bay Area....and I envy the love, the closeness, the support, the commonality they all share.....) That leads me into my next question....would my life be more S/m oriented.....more 24/7, and less 'weekend warrior'? I guess some would ask....why don't I have those things in my life now.....and simply....I respect my husband & his feelings too much. When we met....I was just starting my exploration of BDSM.....and as a semi-masochistic bottom at that. When we got married, I was more into BDSM (went to BAGG every week or so), but mostly as a bottom oriented switch. It wasn't the big important thing in my life the way it is now. Rik tried things with me for about a year. Went to some classes, read some books, bottomed, topped....and just plain decided that none of it was for him.... As the years went by, I got more & more into BDSM, I switched from BAGG to semi-private parties, and from staying home alot to going to munches at least once a week. Maybe about 4 years ago, I asked him how he felt about everything.....he told me that if he had met me 'now', when I was 'this' involved in BDSM, he would not have gotten involved with me....but because he had been with me from the beginning, that it was easier for him to deal with.....but he still has trouble (and reminds me on rare occasions...) that going into it all, he thought I was a bottom..... I don't exactly know why that matters....unless he harbored some hidden thoughts that maybe I'd become more submissive & docile & be a 'good wife'......I don't know.....at this point, I'm just making up words that might not even (ever) be in his head. But back to my respecting his feelings.....I know he would be uncomfortable with a constant BDSM presence in our home....meaning my having a slave here, or a house-boy/girl.....I know he would be unhappy if I spent even more time from home than I already do. 1 of my 'rules' is that he gets at least 1/2 of my free time.....that he comes 1st in my life (besides myself). Sometimes.....I resent that. Sometimes I just want to know what it would be like to not have to worry about what someone else wants, thinks, or feels....I just want to do what I want to do. I wish I would never again have to see the look of revulsion & disgust when a lesbian finds out that I'm married. I wish I wouldn't be shunned for being what I am. I wish I wouldn't be insulted for being what I am. I wish......that I didn't care.....and that it didn't matter.....any of this....all of this. I have it all.....financial stability, decent job, good education, loving husband, devoted slave (who lives elsewhere), a few good friends.....and yet.....it's not enough......