Talking about Love

Love has been on my mind a lot lately. When to say it, how to show it, how to know if it's even what you are truly feeling. I have a tendency to 'fall' fast. I generally tend to feel some pretty intense emotions within the first few months, if I'm going to feel them at all. However, for the most part, I don't go declaring my feelings unless I've either heard the words first, or at least have a strong belief that my saying the words isn't going to send them running or make them feel uncomfortable. My biggest exceptions for saying 'I love you' later, rather than sooner have been 3 people. My husband - We were friends for 2 years, and we grew very close the 2-3 months before we 'officially' started dating (it took so dang long because I was involved with someone else for the whole time I knew Rik)....hell, if you want to get technical about it, I moved into his parents' house before he & I were actually in in a relationship. I'm not 100% sure about the sequence of events (I know I moved in July 4th weekend 1993), but I seem to remember writing him a letter declaring my feelings before I moved in with him.....and he proposed to me about a month after I moved in....and we got married about a year later. Sherry - I was her 1st serious girlfriend (we were in our mid-20's). I decided that I was going to let her dictate the pace of our relationship, since I didn't want her to feel pressured or to scare her off. I think she finally said 'I love you' maybe about 6-9 months into our 2 year relationship. Vicki - Honestly I can't remember when I first said it. I don't think it was any earlier than a full year into our relationship....and even though I called her 'mine' for months, it was on our 3rd anniversary that I collared her. Other than them...I tend to say "I love you" before 3 months is up....if it's what I believe that I feel. Looking back on my relationship history...and how I felt about people after things ended....I sometimes wonder if I really did love them, because once we split up, my feelings faded pretty damn fast. Never to hatred, but definitely to indifference & sometimes wondering what I really saw in the person to make me think it was 'love.' Besides saying 'I love you', I also believe in showing it. I know sometimes, I don't do all that I could....but I do make an effort. During my ruminations over the last few weeks, one of the things that has occurred to me, is that I think I would rather be shown that a person deeply cares for me and not be told the 3 little words....than be told, and treated like crap. I'm not really looking for special treatment. Mostly just respect & decency. Show me that I matter to you....that I'm not just a charm on the bracelet of people that you are collecting. I don't think I need to be the most important thing to my loved ones (whether they be platonic friends or sexual lovers)....but I like to know that I am of some level of importance. Part of the reason I don't do one-night-stands anymore is because I need to know that you think there's more to me than just someone to fuck when you've got nothing or no one better to do. I was on MSN yesterday, in the 'Dating & Relating' section, and 1 of the articles was about moving too fast in relationship....and the quote below really struck a cord in me. Wait to say "I love you" (even if you think you do) - by Ann Harris When you're in a relationship that feels so right, it can be tempting to utter those three little worlds on the early side. Harris advises against it: "The first time you feel like saying it, count to ten, go home and say it to your cat," she says. After all, your feelings could be due to the fact that you two just shared a really romantic evening together or (let's be honest) had incredible sex. There's also the risk that the feelings might not be mutual yet. So before you take this step, ask yourself: Will you be able to accept if your date doesn't say "I love you" back, or will you be crushed? If it's the latter, then it's probably best to hold off until more time has passed and you're more confident about each other's intentions. If, on the other hand, you're on the receiving end of an early "I love you," don't feel obliged to say it back if you're not feeling it yet. But that doesn't mean you should ignore the overture or, worse yet, give them a lecture about how they couldn't possibly feel that way so soon. "This person has just made him or herself really vulnerable, so you want to be careful," says Harris. Try, "I'm so touched you just said that, and I feel strongly for you. It's hard for me to use that word right now but feel like I may be getting there, too." Who knows, maybe you will sooner than you think. The part I highlighted at the end was what I liked best. It's been rare that someone has told me that they loved me, and I didn't love them back....and I think most people will agree that it can be a rather awkward situation. I really like the above as a possible thing to say in return, if it is the truth.