Because You Asked

More than a few people wanted the details of what happened with me & the ex. Behind the cut are all the texts & emails. It began on Live Journal 6/25/08 Vivi 11:52pm I've been thinking about it recently, actually... I want to engage in unbridled carnality with you, for hours, until we're both exhausted and dehydrated. I want to make you scream. I want to bear the bruises from your fists, the marks from your nails and teeth. I want to be taken over and spun every which way until I can hardly think through the adrenalin and serotonin. I want to scandalize my neighbors. I want to give you pleasure you will think about for days and days, and that I will be inspired to write about. For old times' sake. Or something like that. 6/26/08 Me 6:26am Or something. Unfortunately, I'm still tender enough to know that it's best to leave the past in the past for the time being. Not that the thought doesn't cross my mind now & then. And Switching to Texting Me 7:10am You sure know how to distract a girl. Vivi 7:26am Given ½ the chance, I often do! Ah, fantasy... Me 7:30am As I said earlier, it's best to leave it at just that. Vivi 7:39am I’ll defer to your better judgment, since it seems I haven’t any. Enjoy your day. Me 8:05am For what it's worth, I still love you & think about you. Vivi 8:11am Oh sweetie. That matters. We had good times together, you know. I suppose it’s easier for me to remember those than to face reality. I miss you. Me 8:15am Sometimes reality sucks. But I know how this would end. 1 or both of us would end up hurt and/or regretting everything. Vivi 8:22am Forget about reality for a little while. With me. Moving to Email Me 9:32am Rik taught me how to access this from online. Speaking of reality bites....I just got off the phone w/ my mom. She has skin cancer, near her nose. Don't know how bad....and so far they can't schedule her for surgery until 9/4 (if they're waiting that long, is that a good sign?). Vivi 9:37am Aw, jeez. Sorry to hear that! And just when your dad got good news, too. Cancer seems to be everywhere nowadays. And I don't mean to cause you any discomfort, if I did earlier. I'm feeling all nostalgic, and took the LJ opportunity when you presented it. I think you're probably right about the eventual outcome. You seem to be better at that long view than I am. But it's nice to fantasize... ::sigh:: Me 10:02am Tell me about it. 2 women at work were diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer a few months ago. No discomfort. I love you. I miss you. I wish things could be different, but right now, I know I'm not ready for that. Sunday we ran into each other at Pride, twice. She looked like she was trying to paste a smile on her face. And back to texting Me 4:12pm Do you know why I won’t say yes? Not why I left in the 1st place. Something besides. Vivi 5:04pm Tell me. I’m interested. Me 5:20pm 5 words you said to me at the end. “Heather, I have no morals.” Vivi 5:25pm I never made a secret of that. I have values and principles, not morals. Me 5:29pm Yeah but it still hurt like a slap. Plus, those words are synonymous with me, not separate concepts. Vivi 5:32pm I’m sorry it hurt you. I had no idea you didn’t know already. They’re discrete concepts for me – morals are dictated by your community. Values are chosen by me. Me 5:36pm At the time, what it said to me was that nothing mattered to you that didn’t benefit you and to hell about the rest of us. Vivi 5:47pm But that’s not how I work. At the time, it was that my choice was more important to me than your opinion about it. I understand that it hurt, but that wasn’t why. Me 6:01pm I guess it just felt more like not only did what I thought not matter, neither did I anymore. Vivi 6:14pm I don’t remember the specifics of a conversation more than a year ago, but if you still want to discuss it, we can. I’m not trying to jump back into your life – at least not all at once. I just miss being with you, and I wouldn’t mind a date. Wouldn’t say no to a scene either, but of course all that’s up to you. Hugs! Me 6:42pm I want love, passion, friendship, and to know that I’m important and that I matter. I was never totally sure of the last 2, that often with you. And back to email on 6/30/08 Me 11:15am What would we do differently...to make a 2nd go around more successful? Vivi 12:12pm I don't think we could. I can't do anything more to let you know how much I value you and care for you, and you don't seem to think it's enough. We're too dissimilar to maintain a relationship. That's not what I was aiming for, though. I miss hanging out with you, I miss the power play, I miss the sex, and I miss having you in my life. I'd be happy trying out any combo of those, but I'm not ready for an intense relationship with you, or with anyone at the moment. Especially since you don't think I put enough into a relationship with you, I want to be clear that I don't have the resources to do so. Me 7:14pm Thank you for the honesty. I appreciate it. I love you. I wish I could settle for just being 'fuck buddies'....strangely enough, if it was any other woman, I would probably be totally cool with it. You though....you are my kryptonite. You have power over me, power to make me ecstatic & power to devastate me. It took me quite a while to pick up the pieces after we parted ways. As you can tell, I'm still pretty tender when poked. You all saw yesterday's melancholy LJ post from her. Below is the exchanges springing from that. Me 7:05am Thank you for including me in the fairy tales. Vivi 7:02pm How could I not? I’m missing you and what we had, too. Just working thought the catalyst for that piece. Fond memories, though bittersweet.