I just don't understand

J - Most of the community is terrified of you. Me - I terrify people? J - Yes. Me - Why do you say that? J - You are a strong & powerful woman and that terrifies people. I know I terrify her anyway.....but she's like a moth to a flame....she wants to be close to the fire, regardless of whether or not she might get her wings singed. I don't understand.....am I really terrifying? If so....what the hell did I do to get that way? The only people I want to purposely terrify are clueless males, and in special negotiated circumstances.....female submissives and/or masochists. Being told that I'm terrifying....as a general thing....does not make me happy.....I don't necessarily see that as a Good Thing(tm).

Filth Filth & Foul Foul

5:00 PM - Car won't start. ALL the electrical systems work, but the car won't start. No whirring, no clicking, total absolute silence. (Yes I tried to jump start it, for about 10 minutes.....nada) 7:40 PM - Tow guy finally gets to my work & we take the car to Michael Stead Chrysler in Walnut Creek. I wrote an explanation of why my car was in their parking lot, and dropped my keys in the Overnight Box. I'll be calling them around 9:00 AM and hopefully finding out what the Filth Filth & Foul Foul is wrong with my car now.

Forgot, Point 10

10. Off & on I ran into an ex-girlfriend and her husband during the event. She & I parted ways, on the way home from PantheaCon in 1997. I'm still friends with her husband....and I'd like to be friends with her, but she's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want me to be that much a part of her life. Anyways, her husband is another wrestling fanatic...and as I was going to tell him about my trip to the Royal Rumble....he said he already knew. Now....I haven't seen or spoken to either 1 of them since Baycon.....so I asked him how he knew. He said that his wife found out from my journal. I asked if she had 1 too, he said he didn't think so....that someone who reads mine has been keeping her updated about my life. Now I have to wonder.....why? Is this person we have in common just doing the old 'catch up on common people' thing.....or for some unknown reason, does my ex-girlfriend actually have some sort of interest in my life?

Points of PantheaCon

1. I was excited by all the seminars that had to do with learning chants &/or circle dancing.....and in 1 way or another they all ended up being a disappointment. 2. I was prepared to step outside my 'comfort zone' with 1 of the seminars....and it ended up being full, so I missed out. 3. Pombaghira Ritual - Much dancing. Much luscious looking women. 4. Bast - Egyptian Cat deity....seeing the look of shock/surprise on an ex's face was worth going (he was one of the ... priests for lack of a better term). I was planning on going to the Reclaiming Spiral Dance....but it was canceled. I had a friend give me a quick run-down on Bast & what the ritual was...lots of dancing & watching people act like (be?) cats. Someone I parted ways with over 15 years ago was there....when we were closer, he always refused to share his path with me. I was really questing back then (still am to an extent), and for whatever reason, he would just never talk to me or help me learn....but he was more than happy to share things with another friend of mine & the woman who replaced me in his life. So....even though I've seen him at PCon over the years....I've never really known what his path was. His wife was also there, as 1 of the priestess....since I don't know her, and I haven't really known him since we parted ways, I have no idea who brought who onto that particular path. 5. Discordian Mass - ......I just don't know what to say about this. I LOVED IT! They take everything that is serious & sacred, turn it sideways & laugh at it. Instead of calling the sacred 4ths (earth, air, fire, water), they call the sacred 5ths (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Glenfiddech, Southern Comfort & Godiva). Their sacraments are Tang & Twinkies. They don't dance the circle....they careen chaotically across the room, determined to run into as many people as possible.....and their closing ceremony was the all High & Holy.....Hokey Pokey. Much fun....must find out more about this group.....I think I could really get into it. 6. Got to spend a lot of time with someone I love. 7. Saw more kinky people there this year than I have ever seen before. 8. Met a lovely woman from Tribe.net, who I had been talking to. Saw her off & on over the weekend. I like her...I'm looking forward to getting to know her & getting to be better friends. 9. While talking to another friend, was introduced to a sweetly gallant butch woman. Not sure why it matters, but there was something about her that was just very open, friendly & pleasant.

On Becoming a Better Valia

This is a tentative list of things I would like to change about myself and/or accomplish over the next year or so. This list may be added to or changed, depending on what I am influenced by. This version of the list was started after I finished reading "Your Best Year Yet" by Jinny S. Ditzler. This book was given to all of the management level employees at my company....and me....for now, I'm the only hourly employee to have received the book. The CEO has mentioned more than once that she 'has plans for me'.....so maybe this is all part of 'the plan.' One thing I want to do is live a bit more authentically. I claim to be pagan & I claim to have an intense interest in human sexuality....but I rarely do anything to further my education in either of those areas. I have a lot of books on both topics.....unread books. 1 big reason they are unread....I read a lot at work (breaks), and I don't really feel like answering the questions that are bound to come up when co-workers see what I am reading. To my friends - I am an open book. To my co-workers, I am a very private person. I am there to work....that's all. So....in an effort to stop talking about wanting to learn more, and actually do something to learn more....I am going to find myself some book-covers, and read at least 1 occult & 1 human sexuality book every quarter. Another goal - stop living my life to the perceived dictates of others. I need to be loved & accepted...but you know....I don't need to beat myself up when people don't like me, I don't need to make myself into something that I am not to try to become more popular. I am going to try to learn to not let what people think of me dictate how I present myself to the world. If you notice that I seem to be worried too much about what 'others' think....please give me a gentle reminder to knock it off. :) 3rd goal - stop being nice to people who are nothing but a drain on my energy & time. If a 'friend' does nothing more but complain to me & bring negativity to my world....then I need to cut them loose. I need to be with people who are going to make my life and world a positive place. Some negativity is fine....we all have bad days/weeks.....but when all someone does is bitch about their life & never does anything to change their circumstance....and then gets pissy with me when I need someone to cry on.....I don't need that. To me, friendship is mutual give & take. When 1 person only gives & the other only takes....there is imbalance & it's just not a healthy relationship. As a corollary to this, I will also learn to be more honest with people. I don't necessarily lie but there's been plenty of times when I've said nothing, in order to keep from hurting someone's feelings....or to keep them from getting angry & in some cases....violent. I'm learning that I may not be doing anyone any favors by letting them think everything is all hunky-dory with them & me & the world we share. 4th goal - this has multiple parts. I am 5'10", I weigh 268 lbs & my measurements are 40DD-40-54. By Memorial Day weekend (Baycon), I want to have lost 20 lbs. From Baycon to Folsom St. Fair, I want to have lost an additional 20 lbs. This will put me at 228 by the end of September. If I can stay on track with those 2 goals, I will try for another 20 lbs by THIS time 2006. My ideal weight is 200 lbs. Once I get there, I'll hang for a while & evaluate how I feel and look. If I'm happy, then I will maintain 200, if I feel I need to go lower, I will stop at no less than 175. I am not a big fan of dieting. In lieu of that....I will instead make healthier choices about what I eat (IE reduced fat cookies over regular ones), I will continue taking TRIMSPA to help reign in my appetite (with those alone I have lost 5 lbs in 1 month). We have a Health Rider, Ellyptical Trainer, and a multi-use weight machine. I will make a concerted effort to use 1 or all of these things at least 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week. 5th goal - finally....something work-related. This is also a multi-part goal. My direct boss wants me to learn more about recruiting and interviewing. I am already slated for 2 webinars, and there are several books & CD's that I am trying to get my company to purchase....for my benefit, but also to be used for training others in these skills. The 2nd part of this is more personal, but will have a direct & hopefully positive impact on my career. For most of my adult working life, I have been told that I have an attitude problem, I am quick to anger, I get mean when frustrated/stressed, and that I need to work on my people skills. I have been making a concerted effort over the years to change these qualities for the positive. I believe I have made huge strides, especially in the last 5 years....but I also believe I have gone about as far as I can without professional help. So, I have gotten the go-ahead to take a class called 'Managing Your Emotions Under Pressure.' I am sincerely looking forward to this class, & I am hoping that I can take it to heart & put it to use. My current attitude & people skills are only going to stand in my way. I know I can do more, be more....and if changing these things about myself is a way to get further in my career....then I will make every effort I can to change for the better. Ok.....that's the 1st edition of my route to having "Your Best Year Yet!"

This Weekend

I will be at PantheaCon, at the DoubleTree in San Jose from Friday evening - Monday afternoon. If any of you are going too and want to hook-up, my cell # is 707-567-9510.

Vrooom, Vrooom

I am now driving what looks like the adult equivalent of a Hot Wheels(tm). :) I finally got my car back this afternoon & the custom paint job I got is amazing. It is 2-tone & has flames. The top 1/2 of the car is the original cranberry. The bottom 1/2 is eggplant/plum. The flames are pearl with a sheen of color. 1 side is purple flames with blue metallic sparkles. The other side is blue flames with purple metallic sparkles. The whole of the new paint job also has silver metallic sparkles throughout. All in all....pretty damn spiffy if I do say so myself. :)